Sunday, July 6, 2014
I messed up last night. I said something I shouldnt have said. It was a mistake. The movie I rented said there are NO mistakes. So really it was meant to happen as such I could explore the lesson it gave me. Sure it would be easiest to walk away to start over with someone new. But I love a challenge. Maybe it's my competitive nature. I also love you for the amazing person you've been and for the amazing person you've yet to become. Our lives are really only beginning and I hope we can continue growing and loving one another.
So I made a mistake and I can accept it as a mistake or I can learn and grow from it. The words were the trigger but the feelings that lead to the words are the real problem. I have jealousy and insecurities that still need more time to heal. I may not be ready to partake in this part of your life.
While you may not have cheated on me, you built a life outside of me. I'm grateful for that. If that didn't happen, if I didn't hit rock bottom and get handed my last straw when you didn't come home, things would have never changed. I would have locked myself away miserable in the craft room and you would have been miserable on the back patio. I know I was depressed and consumed with anger for a very long time and it was making me a stressed-out mom, wife and employee. Because we've changed our living arrangements (and yes you have this huge expense) we're not the depressed miserable people we were. Sure I can sit here and only assume you were miserable and depressed because you were restricted to the patio, but you sure came off that way.
While I'm grateful you built this life outside of me because it has awaken me to the significance of the problems in our relationship, this outside life is a strong point of jealous. I felt rejected, casted side, abandoned. Those are hard feelings to overcome, so when I get a glimpse into that life and I remember that pain I just want to lash out and be hurtful, so you can feel a little of what I feel. I was irrational and hateful. You've shown me that I haven't been abandoned that you care deeply about me. And you have shown such amazing progress by not returning the hate. I'm sure your anger was unbearable and you could have attacked me and returned the pain, but you took the higher road. You let your feelings be known without attacking and trying to return that pain.